In a relationship where you have projected your father or mother image onto your partner, all of the associated feelings of helplessness a child feels at the hand of the parent, the provider, the authority, and all of its vulnerable need, will come up as well.
basically, if you’ve projected the image of a parent onto another, that necessarily requires someone to be the child — you.
where’s the practical work in this dilemma?
recognizing that one cannot be without need.
our emergence into adulthood is usually characterized by self-sufficiency. for those of us who never had our inner child needs adequately met, this often involves a white-knuckling, a tight barricade around the feeling self. when it comes to areas of life that demand the feeling self to come forth, however, particularly in our relations with other people, our behavior will tell no lies, regardless of our words. maybe we will be unavailable. or, maybe all that we held in for so long will come out in a flurry of unmet need and emotional chaos. we will either keep them at arms length, for we learned to not trust the primary caretaker, and to never let ourselves be dependent and vulnerable because we were let down by those whose responsibility was to take care of us in childhood; OR, we will latch on, like a starved baby to the bottle, and cry when it is being taken away.
often, in relationship, opposites attract, and people on either end of this spectrum will come into relationship with the other, each holding something for the other to integrate. the anxiously attached person must integrate the self-sufficiency of the avoidant; the avoidant must integrate the necessary vulnerability of the anxiously attached.
the ultimate truth, however, is this:
we will never be without dependence, we will never be without need. never. never ever can you ever be completely and entirely self-sufficient. it does not matter how strong, independent, or solitary by nature you are — we need true, honest, authentic, vulnerable human connection like we need air. you will run into significant issues if you are without these things, like being deficient in a critical nutrient.
so, then — what is adulthood?
adulthood is about learning how to properly, adequately, and FULLY assess our actual needs for what they truly are, free of illusions, free of convincing ourselves about what it is we THINK we need, but rather honestly facing what it is that we ACTUALLY need, and learning about ways to provide those needs for ourselves.
We are independent about our dependence in this sense. This means if you recognize that an actual core need of yours is cuddles, you recognize it, face it — and any fears of vulnerability that could be associated — communicate it to a partner, a friend, get a pet, etc.
There is still an aspect of dependence in the sense that we need another to make the equation work; however, it is independent in the sense that we recognize a need, do not ignore it, and communicate it and/or actualize it like an adult.
An important note is that sometimes we will mask deeper needs with more surface-level substitutes. One of the most primary examples that I will likely come to again and again is sex. Meaningless sex and hook-ups, to me, almost always mask a deeper longing for actual connection, closeness, warmth, and *gasp* love.
Instead of going deeper into the more raw feelings of our yearning for those things, and creating actual emotional intimacy and vulnerability, we may take the easy way out and temporarily numb the longing with a hook up.
In my eyes, this is why I have made a commitment to give up meaningless sex. I am not perfect, but this is merely a matter of recognizing my truer, deeper need for genuine connection that purely bodily sex cannot meet. I feel more full and truly happy after cuddling with a friend than I would and have after a hook up.
One feeds the heart; one temporarily pacifies the body.
Screaming feed me here
Fill me up again
Temporarily pacifying
Feed me here
Fill me up again
Temporarily pacifying
THE CLOSET MYSTIC 