Today, while meditating, I contemplated the following:

the experience of aging and maturing seems to often involve the reduction of possibilities. Youth appears to be full of possibility, full of curiosity, full of the curiosity of possibilities. But it appears that, as we age, we grow towards certainty; more often than not, the personality appears to grow in fixedness. Our “yeses” and our “nos” become more and more clear; the bounds of the personality become definite in how and where they are drawn.

However, I felt a sense of fear considering this effect of aging. Curiosity, possibility, and openness appear not to be a feature of my youth, but rather a feature of my identity. These are traits that I value immensely, such that I cannot consider a life that is truly living without them.

I began to wonder:

How do I age and mature gracefully? How do I age and mature accepting the natural rootedness that comes with adulthood, while preserving openness of heart and mind?

This is what long kept me running away from “the 9-5” and becoming “an adult.” This is what made me run away to a commune almost 3 years ago now. Granted, glorious disillusionment soon followed, revealing to me the atrophy that accompanies a life without a solid foundation — the staunch pursuit of freedom is its own prison — though I comment nevertheless on the character traits that led me there:

There has been an element of Peter Pan syndrome in my way of living that I’ve only relatively recently begun to shed. I’ve learned that the freedom I desire does not accompany being at the mercy of every whim and impulse. I’ve learned that the freedom I desire requires work, for if independence is freedom, and if independence means being self-sustaining, how can I be self-sustaining without my own income, my own place to live, etc etc etc etc — (a note. This is why I associate Saturn-ruled Aquarius with freedom; perhaps true freedom also necessarily involves self-mastery. Do we have free will if we are ruled by animal impulse, or the pull of instant gratification? Perhaps Saturn, in this way, presents to us the keys of freedom, through discipline.)

Still yet, however, I feel I must keep a place for the youth who lives in my heart. As the senex introduces himself and guides my path, I wish to maintain a relationship with that curious Mercurius who seems so intrinsic to my identity.