also, i had a moment in class yesterday that was a little scary
i was like, sitting there… and i’m trying to remember what the conversation material was. i think we were talking about the constructing of mental narratives in our sense of self? like, we narrate our own life and gain a sense of self through that; we keep record of what our own story is, and we live it.
and i think, while hearing that, my insignificance began to dawn on me. and, usually, when i talk about “my own insignificance,” it isn’t me literally reflecting on how small i am, it’s more about reflecting on how grand something else is, like admiring the majesty of the cosmos. it’s an expansive feeling, full of wonder and awe.
but this feeling of my own insignificance was different; it wasn’t expansive, it wasn’t full of wonder and awe. it was actually frightening, because i began to realize how indifferent the universe and world is to me. i began to realize just how fucking big everything in my own life feels is a product of the desire to feel important, to feel like life has some sort of meaning. but… i began to realize that the story i’ve constructed for myself exists entirely within my own head, it has little to no objective existence outside of myself, no one cares, the universe does not care. basically, i made everything up. LOL.
i feel like this is a really important experience to have, though. it’s humbling, and not in a romanticized way. it’s just, like, real. not pretty nor fun lol. you don’t matter. i’m not important! HAHAHAH OMG I’M NOT IMPORTANT AT ALL. isn’t it crazy? like 45 pages of muck on this blog. i’ve spoken so much, what have i truly said? 45 pages of bitching and moaning, 45 pages of melodrama, 45 pages of imagined turmoil. 45 pages of delusions of self-importance, 45 pages of feeling like i was accomplishing something when i did nothing.
nobody cares! the feeling of my life being important isn’t — gasp — shared by other people. others couldn’t give a fuck about who i say i am other than the tangible results i produce in the world.
i wanna keep talking but who in the fuck CARES? NO ONE
and this is freedom
THE CLOSET MYSTIC 