and no matter my interpersonal enmeshment
no matter the embrace,
no matter how potent the solvent of love,
there will always, always be a portion of my being
that makes the solution heterogeneous.
a core untouchable,
simultaneously empowering
and isolating.
to ask me to open up —
it is to ask the gates of Hades
to welcome a visitor
knowing full well
only the winged messenger may return.
are you he?
…
and to be frank,
what have I yet learned about relationships?
I cannot tell you that I’ve yet seen a single one done “right”–
what does it mean for a relationship to be done right?
I can tell you of the “separation” stage in the alchemical process — V.I.T.R.I.O.L —
each respective portion, masculine and feminine, of the alchemical marriage, is to be purified and to reclaim its most essential essence
before union.
but what are we to do? we all struggle with our own unique venom — we try to make another our antidote, only to infect them —
are we simply creatures ruled by instinct? do we construct epic tales to distract ourselves from how base our desires truly are? do we illustrate some personal, unique myth, the myth of some love that saves, when perhaps we’re simply being damned?
here I am — straddled between the ideal and the real, wondering what’s doomed and what’s still salvageable. yes, how beautiful love and friendship but can be, but why, why, why does “love” turn us into lesser versions of ourselves? I thought love was the greatest form of sublimation. I thought love was that mythic Stone capable of turning lead into gold. Why have I more often than not seen it turn gold into lead?
Perhaps we’re confused. Perhaps we confused infatuation for love, attachment for love, obsession for love, selfish loves romanticized into some reclamation of Eden when it is in fact the Fall, the biting into the fruit and our fall from grace.
Perhaps I’ve yet to discover real love. Perhaps real love might mean conquering myself. Perhaps real love requires sacrifice, perhaps real love requires the release of one’s vice grip that it might instead be virtuous. Perhaps real love requires utmost faith and liberation from fear, perhaps it eludes us if we turn back even for a split second to ensure our love follows us from Hades.
I’ve also been told that it is the greatest of evils that masquerade as the greatest of goods… how capable we are of deceiving ourselves!
THE CLOSET MYSTIC 