These instances in which the fog clears!
How fucking silly was I.
This type of love — the type of love rooted in making another your all,
the type of love rooted in wanting to die if they were to depart,
the type of love rooted in this intense desperation —
son of a fuckin’ gun! It’s childhood attachment complexes… right? It’s got to be. That appears to be where the facts are pointing, though the romanticist in me is not eager to let go of the belief that such a love, a real love, can exist — let’s put a pin in that for now—
however, I can say for certain that, whether that love exists, the lesser version of it rooted in childhood complexes of attachment certainly does exist.
it wasn’t love, it was attachment. it was the need for a mother, an innate trait in all beings.
I can say that, now that the light is shed, there’s nothing to do but to learn and to act and to perform the healing.
Let’s analyze how I described this type of love:
“This type of love — the type of love rooted in making another your all,
the type of love rooted in wanting to die if they were to depart,
the type of love rooted in this intense desperation —“
Okay…
first, let’s examine:
“This type of love — the type of love rooted in making another your all,”
As a child, is not the mother your all? When in the womb, you are completely one and the same, separation nonexistent, they are all encompassing;
Next:
“the type of love rooted in wanting to die if they were to depart,”
is not the child bound to the mother for their very survival? it is hardwired biologically to help ensure the survival of an infant that separation from the mother may very well mean death. I believe the remnants of this instinct stay in adult relationships when a secure attachment to the mother was disrupted in the childhood.
Lastly,
“the type of love rooted in this intense desperation —“
seems to contain the aforementioned.
Attachment research may be some of the most fertile grounds modern psychology has yet presented me. I can feel it; I can feel the work to be done and how rewarding it will be. This is a biological mechanism as ingrained in us as the instinct to eat and drink. I believe that treatments aimed at intervening with and remedying unsavory attachment complexes in adults may be one of the many holy grails of modern psychology.
The desperate fear of being abandoned; it’s a child clinging to the mother. It is so, so deeply ingrained. Our relationship with the caregiver informs our self-esteem for the rest of our lives. It’s the most deep and innate sense of whether we are worthy or not. To be held, loved, and cared for. This is major, this is huge, this may be a breakthrough, it is a breakthrough.
I cannot wait to investigate the methods for remedying insecure attachment styles and to share it with the world.
AND — AND!!!!! — And,
so often have I asked, wondered, pleaded:
why are so many relationships seemingly doomed to fail?
a picture is beginning to form in my mind — the picture has its beginnings in the understanding that the original and primary relationship we form is with the mother, and from this, all other relationships we are ever to form sprout from.
work and healing on attachment styles — on all of the raw, infantile feelings that exist in there — appears to be perhaps one of the most potent means of ensuring relationship success.
this may be why there are so many “man-children” out there. Son of a fuckin’ bitch. You kidding me?! We deprive men of basic emotional warmth and love, a basic human need that begins in infancy, not allowing them the emotional security to blossom out of that childlike stage, and wonder why they act like children. it’s because every human, man and woman, needs a caregiver to grow. the way in which our mothers soothe our emotional states inform for the rest of our lives the ways in which we soothe our own emotional states. the mother or primary caregiver is the one tasked with being sensitive to the needs of the baby. the baby seeks soothing and reassurance from the mother for crying out loud. if a man — or no, ANY person — is acting constantly like a child, ASK yourself, really ASK yourself: what sort of care and affection did they receive as a child?
Yeah, we’ve obviously pinpointed that there is an issue with men. We all know it. I believe that the beginning and end of it is in the emotional care they are deprived. The end of toxic masculinity is in us not being toxic to men — no, scratch that. The end of toxic masculinity is in us not being toxic to boys, that way they do not grow into toxic men.
This is huge. So much of my life’s work might be dedicated to attachment styles. It feels so so strongly like this is the case. Time to do the work on myself… it’ll be a period of experimentation, self-healing, and self-work, and that way, I’ll be better equipped to help others in my future practice.
I am so excited
THE CLOSET MYSTIC 