When I’d feel bad, or down, or sad, or off emotionally, I’d say nice things to myself. Then, I’d feel better. 

I used my Mercurial nature to shape-shift. I’d become my mother; I was my own mother. I’d become my father; I was my own father. When others weren’t there for me, I’d be there for myself. I found something resembling wholeness. I’d tell myself: I am whole. I am complete. I’d tell myself: I love myself. I am worthy and deserving of love. If I was crying about hurt feelings, or if the world was too painful, I’d speak soothingly to myself, like a mother consoling a small child. I’d quite literally tell myself, “it’s ok baby. Everything will be ok. I am here for you. Everything’s going to be okay.”

I remember at the very beginning of my spiritual awakening. It was intuitive. I uncovered past trauma and emotional baggage. I saw myself as a child being hurt by any number of things. I spoke to that kid and gave him the words he needed to hear at the time. I gave myself truly unconditional love; I was warm and kind to myself. 

Eventually, I grew so in love with the world that I saw all beings as young kids trying their best. I saw all mistakes as impersonal, all beings as children worthy of love. I fell in love with the world and felt unconditional love for all of humanity.

What does this tell us about self love? 

In my experience, it corroborates the idea that loving oneself allows one to love the world. It lends credence to the idea that one can only love another as much as they’ve come to love themself. 

Do you understand that this was work when it began? Do you understand that self-love is work? Do you understand the feelings of tremendous discomfort that would at first arise when I was kind to myself? Do you understand the genuine pain that I experienced being loving to myself, the aches being drawn out, brought to the surface? Do you understand that I relived all of the pain? I relived all of the sorrow, the anxiety, the ache — and yet, my awareness was split, between affording myself the basic kindness to feel my feelings, and being the mother or father I needed at the time, and soothing myself lovingly as it was happening. Do you understand that I purposely excavated every limiting, negative belief about myself, these constructs of our personality that are unwittingly built as a result of our life experiences, with a slight of hand that can fool even the sharpest of minds? Do you understand that I noticed the discomfort and disbelief that would arise when I told myself “I am worthy of love,” or that “I am worthy of respect,” and trudged on anyway? That I let the love win? I let the love win. I let the love win. I fought for love. I fought, I pushed, I strained. I used the newfound love in my heart and fed it to every different area of pain in all the corners, each nook and cranny, of my psyche. 

Do you understand all that was behind who I became?

And yet, it wasn’t enough — for I had focused too heavily on the inner work. I got lost in myself, a cycle of my life. The Hermit was I. The Fool trudged inward, became the Hermit, left the Hierophant. 

She came into my life and pointed out the external work I had been neglecting. Perhaps one can focus on their inner child only so much until they risk becoming a puer aeternus, suffering from Peter Pan syndrome. The senex presented himself in my life, and off I went to toil. This is work I will carry out for the rest of my life. 

But tonight — oh, I ached. I felt lost, desolate, hopeless. My heart like coal, wrung out of all strength, emotional vitality, spiritual vigor. My heart felt tight, heavy, uncomfortable in my very chest.

Do you know what I did?

oh, I remembered that old magic trick. I talked to myself like the mother I always wanted, always needed. I talked to myself like the father I always wanted, always needed. 

Suddenly, the lights turned back on. What was a night like pitch became a sunrise, and sunrise became beautiful day. 

Self-love. It is work. It is “the work.” It is necessary. It is important. Do not let your self love become indulgence, but do not let your life responsibilities become self-negligence. Balance is and always has been the way.

Tonight, for the sake of balance, I practiced my old magic trick.