what is self love?

self love, first and foremost, does not appear arrogant, narcissistic, selfish, or vain.

Self love, in my eyes, can actually appear extraordinarily humble and quiet — composed and gracious — readily able to let others shine, more than eager to dish abundant praises and lift others up.

This is because those with self love have their self worth innate and intrinsic; there is little to no need for external validation because it is held internally. One with true self love does not need to make great displays compulsively, one with true self love does not need to make others smaller in order to make oneself larger.

One with true self love does not need to grasp, claw, or fight tooth and nail for a sense of power, position, status, or recognition. One with self love may naturally come into such things when self expression flows naturally– however, such forms of worldly rank, real or perceived, are not usually the end for which one with true self love seeks.

Self love can make others feel loved for they have a full cup to pour from. Self love can help others feel confident for there is true confidence to be shared with the world. Self love encourages others to do the very same. Self love is service to the whole, for one with true self love necessarily lifts others up by virtue of what it is. Self love, at its highest possible capacity, has a collective mindset — one for all, all for one. Self love can love the world totally and truly.

absolutely loving tipping the velvet. moved me to tears.

how my call, my longing, to transcend the mundane has echoed in the chambers of my heart, its empty chasm begging to be filled by a holy water that I’d not known yet — 

yes, spiritual living has often satiated the hunger and quenched the thirst —

but never did I adequately realize that the feeling of “there has to be something more” could be met through literature — through words on a page, one is cultured, one becomes more worldly, one learns of other ways of living, one learns of higher potentials — yes, the desperate desire to beautify this reality, to vivify this world, a black and white coloring book to be filled in with every known shade, with each of their respective derivatives, this can be met through the vicarious living of literature.

and there is a certain freedom from the chains of selfhood, of our own perceived sense of identity, when we are immersed in a story — I think whether we consciously realize it, on some deep level, we identify with perhaps the protagonist, or some other character with a deep resonance into our soul, or many or some or all of them — and in this identification is freedom from the normal limitations we place upon ourselves, perhaps intrinsic with our sense of self. What is this freedom but transcendence?

Yes, life has felt so much more solid and dense than I am used to, lately — perhaps the Peter Pan syndrome I’ve known for so long is a fear of the confinement of when cold and hard reality becomes too cold and hard, when the water I know reality to be becomes like ice, cryogenically containing the inner child —

what if I can satiate the call to transcend simply through literature, to keep a foot anchored in reality and tend to my work, while transcending and finding freedom in the supplemented imagination that literature is? 

I can, and I am, and my heart rejoices with abundant gratitude for this gift that literature is, and I also marvel at the gifts of the authors who bring them into being — I cannot imagine the talent that goes behind crafting such works, I cannot imagine the power wielded by these wordsmiths, if only they knew how deeply they moved me, if only they know that when word met paper for them, my world was turned upside down, if only they knew how badly I want to thank them. If only they knew the freedom their vision makes me feel.

DAMN BROTHER I WAS SAD THEN I GOT SOME CUDDLES N NOW THAT SHITS GONE. IMAGINE THAT. I FUCK WITH CUDDLIN HEAVY. ALL MY HOMIES FUCK WIT CUDDLING. ITS DA BEES KNEES.

i feel so damn connected to my cats. i can’t explain it. it’s so fascinating how a bond can feel so deep without word. without the complexities and walls of the human mind erecting barriers. just pure companionship, pure friendship, pure love.

mercury rules alchemy because of the simple ability the mind has to assimilate information and make choices with it. 

If we were strictly unconscious and without awareness, we would be at the mercy of instinct. However, I believe that the condition of being human is about the condition of being straddled in-between the divine and the primal. We have “higher faculties” that I would attribute to “God” — God, in this case, defined as absolute awareness, the pinnacle of evolution. We have the faculties of reason, of compassion, of foresight. We are given the ability to consciously make decisions despite what raw impulse pulls us toward. This is perhaps related to Freud’s mental triad, the distinction between the id/ego/superego. Though there are some differences in the “semi-model” that I am proposing, there are enough similarities for it to be mentioned. The “human” within us is the ego, straddled between the raw impulses of the id and the higher reasoning power of the superego. I too see life in terms of a duality that we are seated in-between, giving birth to a triad — animal, human, divine. 

Through the gift of awareness, we are also necessarily given the gift of choice. One who is not aware does not have choice.

What is awareness? Awareness is matter becoming aware of itself — and, yes, it is defined in terms of itself, this circularity part of its divinity. It is this point that is ineffable, so full of splendor, that I define as the light of God within us. This light of awareness is the same as free will. This awareness is intrinsically related to choice, and there are some who use this awareness to move in an upward, ascending direction, and there are some who use this awareness in a downward, atrophying direction. This is our essential potency. It exists inside of all beings. It exists in varying degrees. It can be cultivated, it can be strengthened. 

I view my entire process of personal evolution as a means of growing my personal awareness. Through awareness, I become less at the mercy of regressive habits. Through awareness, I can consciously choose better ones. Through awareness, passion does not rule sovereign over me; rather, it is a tool that is sublimated towards ever-higher aims, a fuel that is consciously wielded and constructively directed. 

My gripe with modern civilization is that there is an array of potential pitfalls to the cultivating of awareness. Though this is tricky verbiage to use, I do, in some ways, view this as a “war.” It is a war because I consciously choose to go against the grain. It is a war because there may be the redirecting of natural aggression against the allure of certain modern distractions. It is an inward war, because the urges towards inertia and atrophy exist within me. It is an outward war, because the objects of “temptation” exist outside. 

Let me be clear that I am not advocating for an approach of extreme asceticism. I am advocating, rather, for balance — an ideal that I see alarmingly underrepresented in our world. Doomscrolling on social media for hours on end, to me, is a danger. It robs us from the mystery and wonder of the present. Instead of exercising our God-given ability to entertain ourselves through creative means, through imagination, through engaging with the world around us — all of these things that light up our eyes, light equaling awareness, awareness equaling “Godliness” — doomscrolling on social media dulls the eyes, dulls the mind, vampirically sucks our creative power, our executive function — 

and if we are to really begin talking about this, there is an injustice involved. Do we not realize that major social media companies are well aware that their products are addicting, and purposely craft them to ensnare our biological hardware? Do we not realize that they do this to make a profit off of the literal atrophying of the minds of the masses? If you are not paying, you are the product. We are a resource that social media companies are selling to advertisers to make money off of our dwindling cognitive abilities. 

If this sounds alarmist, perhaps it should! 

Simply imagine this: imagine if every time you had a lull in your day, and you had nothing to do, your phone wasn’t there. Instead of the sequence going brief lull > nothing to do > phone, your phone wasn’t even there. What would you get up to? Perhaps you’d phone a friend. Perhaps you’d read a book. Perhaps you’d engage with the present in any more meaningful way than the immediate satisfaction and instant gratification of social media. 

I.. genuinely feel so passionate about this. It genuinely makes me feel alarmed and… almost overwhelmed with the state of our world. 

What do I want out of life?

I want to create evermore moments with loved ones where there are no phones. Simply… to be out in nature. Maybe an entire week. We simply entertain ourselves with games, creative outlets, exploring, adventuring, learning, talking, laughing, appreciating the natural beauty of the world. Our phones in a locked box for the entire week. One person with adequate self-discipline who knows how to open it or something, I don’t know. But god, I feel so, so strongly about this. Where are the people who feel the same? Where are the likeminded individuals who want to live in this way, too?

Without extremism. I don’t want to be some crazy nut who immediately rejects all technology or products of human advancement. I just want… balance. Moderation. And we don’t have it right now, which is why I feel I need to so strongly pull the opposite direction.

When I choose to read instead of doomscroll, this is why. When I choose to exercise instead of laze in front of a TV, this is why. When I choose to immerse myself in nature alone, without checking my phone or taking pictures, just contemplating — this is why. When I choose to meditate and simply be, instead of feeding my mind with needless information, this is why. When I choose to look a stranger in the eye and smile with genuine compassion, I fight how our phones have made us more disconnected than ever. When I strike small talk with a cashier, this is why. When I…

I think you get the point.

This, to me, is the true counterculture of our modern day. It isn’t easy, and that is what makes it more of substance.

my religion

to which I pledge allegiance 

My lifestyle, every step trod on this path taken in its name 

COUNTERPHOBIA

My pursuit of truth necessarily requires thee

COUNTERPHOBIA

a reminder that fear is what blinds me 

COUNTERPHOBIA

to be liberated from its chains, to be free

COUNTERPHOBIA

Fuck fear; what am I afraid of? I will not deny that I am afraid; no, instead I will lean into what terrifies me, to feel the fear to its fullest extent and lean even deeper anyway–

This is bravery. This is walking the talk of spirituality.

Fear and discomfort– 

Come, my love. Embrace me. I will embrace you, and I will cackle as your cold embrace burns me. I will howl with laughter as the terror courses through my veins, alchemical vitriol that dissolves falsehood, antimony leaving only gold. 

What terrifies me? Let me sit with you and stare you in the face.

One must be like Mercury, though, versatile and clever, as what if you fear a life without fear? What if you fear love, what if you fear goodness? What if you fear not just “bad” things, but good things, too?

Be mentally agile in your conquest.

and how do I find my rest in those caves so dark, so cold, so damp

the restless flame quells —

that blanket, 

that heart that’s lived a thousand lives,

the part of me that’s died a thousand deaths.

when I’m there,

so easy is it to let it all go. 

to let it all go. 

the cynic and the realist becoming one,

reserving optimism 

for that which has stood the test.

No.

When I’m here, 

I recognize I do not truly have anyone

and that makes me enjoy people’s company more, for I know what to expect

the frivol I act with

that manic, restless, bright-eyed creature

if only they knew that

That life,

it is superimposed 

with this death 

inside of me.

why is this endless night that exists in my soul

so comfortable?

it is so stripped of illusion. it is like sitting permanently at the ending of a story, in denouement everlasting. 

it is stripped of fear, for once you’ve already died, what else is there truly to fear? what is there to haunt you when it is you that’s the ghost?

Fetch me the Spirit, the Son, the Father–

Tell him I see his light living

in all his sons, in all his daughters —

Fetch me the Mother, the Moon, her Holy Soul–

tell Her i want to make Her proud,

to be a man wise, kind, honorable —

let me sing to the Jester, 

Hermes, the messenger Mercurial —

tell him I’ve learned his lesson

that in the mind is youth eternal

for a mind that never stops learning

and keeps its curiosity

can never age.

and how could one ever forget

her majesty, her grace, 

Aphrodite, Venus —

lend me your ear, 

hear my serenade!

my heartbeat, 

goddess, you are life’s very meaning!

for to live is to love, 

and a life without you

is a heart without blood.

your divinity does bring me 

to my very knees

my very source of strength

that renders me oh so weak.

and MARS!

there is a war essential to life, isn’t there?

there is a war that rages inside of me too, is there not?

between those fundamental opposites: love and fear.

you are the reason I can lift my sword and fight for love.

you bear the fire of alchemy

it is through you

that I wage war against the conditioning I seek to rise above

that I wage war against intolerance

that I wage war against my own ignorance

that I wage war and want to become better every day.

You are beautiful.

…

oh, 

and Jupiter —

if Saturn is life’s mountains,

it is you who reminds me

that it is faith that moves them.

you remind me

that faith is anything but blind —

no, when you opened my heart,

you also opened my eyes

for the very first time.

and Saturn,

oh wise Saturn,

teacher, mentor, guide,

I’ve libraries of words for you —

but I’ll tell you more succinctly this:

you are disguised gold.

I hadn’t met you

until I was ready to meet myself.

you are the hidden benefic

disguised as maleficence —

to view you as malefic 

is to moan about 

the effort

the work

the strain 

it takes 

to learn  

to grow

to mature

to evolve 

You are making me a man

and I’m prepared to walk 

the path laid out for me.

so early on into the semester. THE LEARNING HAS FELT, LIKE, FUCKING PSYCHEDELIC. ITS INSANE.

It feels Aquarian, like the Aquarian pitcher of the sciences, of knowledge, is being poured into my skull. ITS INSANE AND MIND-ALTERING LIKE A PSYCHEDELIC TRIP. It’s like I’m being taught how to completely and utterly reframe the psyche, personality, and whole of human experience.

This is INSANE. It’s like the vivisection of the self. Dissecting the self. It truly makes me feel like the self doesn’t exist in the way we think it does. It is WILD how much the very basis for personality can be attributed to genetic factors, environmental factors, evolutionary factors, stress, diet, lifestyle, personal choice… it’s like the illusion of the self begins to melt away. one begins to see the many bases of personality. It’s absolutely insane. 

It’s, like, enlightening. And WOW knowledge is power, for in seeing the many different bases for less-than-ideal psychological states, the blueprint for how to remedy it is laid out. It… makes things seem SO MUCH less threatening. And the science CONFIRMS that we have SO MUCH power to change, to grow, to improve, through lifestyle modifications. No matter your genes nor environment, WE CHOOSE. 

But to see it all… so neatly laid out. It’s explosive! It’s amazing! It’s wonderful! It’s inspiring! 

And my RESEARCH class! It’s like I’m being taught how to think like a scientist! To ask questions. To apply filters to the intake and gathering of knowledge. AAAHHHHH ITS AMAZING AND I LOVE IT

make me a kid again,

let me play pretend,

in the meadow — to imagine fairies and sprites, fireflies of benevolence, the stars fell from the sky to constellate the forest — 

the wonder of a child, the purity of youth, what greater strength is there? is there any power more awesome? let me be abundant in friends both manifest and imaginary — let me make the two one, bring me friends who can see what I see, let us imagine together, oh please, let us play pretend — 

bring me the days of old when all was new. let us sing ring around the rosy in a park, in the Sun, to fall onto the grass as one with screams of glee and delight — 

bring it all back, bring it all back to me. make me a child once more; or, rather, let the child already in here, trapped in the glacier of adulthood, be released, let the ice melt in the Sun’s warmth.