I know the secret
to a life unburdened
by doubt,
hurt,
pain, regret.
there is an intruder
who swears
he comes bearing gifts—
but he hides the price.
do not let him in.
do not be fooled.
what starts as warmth
in a cold world
will consume you,
mar you,
burn you—
so much more cruel
than if you never felt
at all.
take this secret.
move in confidence,
safe, undisturbed:
if there is no love,
there’s nothing cruel
in this world.
I see it clearly now.
I see, now
that I am not Adam
straining for the touch
of the divine.
I see, now
that you too
are born of clay—
clay that will age,
weather,
& crack in the Sun.
I see, now
that love is water.
I see, now
that though
we will perish,
first
we will flourish,
for we
are made of Earth,
and to the Earth
we shall return—
but briefly beautiful
we will be.
when did love
become
something swallowed
& choked on,
stuck in your throat?
no longer a song
to be sung,
nor a star
to be chased,
not a promise made,
not a promise kept?
i never meant
for love
to be a hearth so hated.
never thought
i’d one day covet
walls of ice.
no, i never knew
i’d guard my center
as if it were gold,
somehow
forgetting
what happens to hearts
so long left alone—
yeah,
one day i found
my gold
had become coal
and life—
for too long,
it kept me from you.
but I’ve decided
no one—
not the fates,
nor the hand of god
can keep me from knowing
the taste
of your breath,
or the very song
of your heartbeat.
I’ve decided
I could write novels
just about the way
your eyes crinkle
when you smile.
And I’ve decided
there is a novel
in the way
your gaze
erases a lifetime
of being invisible.
if I could bleed the past
and spill it from my veins,
these scars would tally
each memory erased.
but it’s an impossible thing.
you tried to make sense
of the scars
only you could see.
like going to the nurse
and swearing
you’re on the edge of death
and her insisting
you’re fine.
that she ran “every test.”
but there’s a burning
somewhere deep—
somewhere
only you can see.
next— your mother’s palm.
wise. knowing.
surely it can glean the truth.
you expect her to say something
like, “you’re sweltering,”
or, “you’re frozen.”
anything other
than those lies—
but she swears nothing’s wrong.
even tells you, go—
sleep it off.
so you accept
that the world’s gone insane.
how can you prove
the depth of your pain?