THE CLOSET MYSTIC

No,

I refuse to grow up. 

I simply refuse. 

I will forever remain as a child, 

A youth. 

For all I wish to do is play!

I refuse to let myself

Be anguished and burdened

By anguish and burdens.

I will fly,

How high will I fly!

Where is the line,

between transcendence

And dissociation?

It appears…

Grey.

Ambiguous

Paint splotches bleeding

I think I have veins that extend

Into both.

But,

I’m sorry,

For not being sorry:

The trickster is the shaman

The shaman is the trickster.

The mystic is the jester,

And I can’t stop jesting!

What liberation

What perspective

What freedom exists

In the grand joke of life?

The punchline is behind the curtain

Like Deadpool do I break the fourth wall

The death of the third dimension

And impossible shapes, impossible cubes

Tesseracts unfold

And I dance!

I dance!

I dance!

People wonder why I,

In sobriety,

Am the freest on the dance floor — 

A misconception that is.

“Dance floor”?

Like beauty, dance floors 

are in the eye of the beholder.

My entire life is one great dance,

I’ll never stop spinning,

Whirling dervish!

Ecstatic dances abound, abound, abound,

Every soul I meet is my dance partner!

Sobriety, too — 

How can that be defined,

When I am constantly drunk 

On the Wine

Of that Spirit

Who fuels me

And I sip,

Oh, do I sip,

On spirits,

Omnipresent

Ether,

Ether,

Ether,

I kiss thee;

I’d give up my mortality

To know thee

Can you hear me?

For I hear you

In car alarms

In my racking sobs

In hoots and hollers from the drunks

I will live,

Forever,

I am sure of it,

For I’ve already died

I’ve already died unto that which dies

And I recognize my fundamental lack of identity

Therefore,

If I’ve already dissolved into the whole

If with the Earth 

The Cosmos

Do I find my identity

How can I die?

I will simply merge.

I will be resorbed unto that which birthed me — 

Devouring Mother — 

Bones crunching in her teeth,

I squeal in delight!

help me to love truly,

and to truly love

help me to live truly,

and to truly live —

help me to forgive truly,

and to truly forgive.

help me learn what it means

to truly forgive

to truly live

and to truly love.

is it possible that one

is not possible

without the other two?

greatest form of rebellion

and the greatest form of freedom

in the rough of modern love

is in restraint —

is in patience —

is in temperance.

I will wait —

I will wait for you —

With a smile on my face,

and joy in my heart —

the greatest things in life

are worth waiting for.

and you are the greatest thing in this life,

my love —

therefore I would wait eagerly for you.

I can already see you

so clearly

those gilded locks

and eyes that make me like putty

how could a glance

rob me of my will

you make me weak at the knees

why not allow myself

to fall onto them?

a goddess deserves worship.

here I am

stricken by your grace

in religious conversion

you magnetize me with great gravity

and I am pulled into orbit —

such is the nature of heavenly bodies.

and I am enamored by your temple.

I want to adore you

so much of value

that you deserve to express

you’ve been treated like a peasant

but I see an empress.

you are the artwork

and the muse

I want to make you feel safe

I want to clear away

scars of your past

I’ll have the head

of anyone who taught you

that you need to hide your light

I want to love you

so you can become more of you

for I can’t help but feel

Like I see you,

and they did not

…

I know not what will become of us

but you’ve already made me feel things

that stir something within my heart

the thought of friendship and romance alike

both stir joy within me

though I cannot help but feel smitten

by such a compassionate woman

you’ve already lit something within me

that gives me hope,

that gives me courage.

thank you

it’s time to accept

my lack of acceptance.

this godforsaken,

placating deception.

dissolve these walls

of self protection

look in the lake

at your reflection

distortions fade

in introspection

ask yourself,

that horrid question:

who are you?

who are you truly?

Oh, sweet sorrow,

My strange and familiar bedfellow —

How many nights have we lay together?

though now might we share company,

know that someone comes soon,

to take your place.

for I can feel her,

ripples across spacetime so strong

that its reverberations are felt now

in the now

so know this embrace is timed

its expiration fated

but for now,

you’ve much to share,

as do I.

GOD’S HOLY GRACES

SURROUND, HE ENCASES

SHINING LIKE THE MOON

IN HER FULLEST OF PHASES

OH SACRED MARRIAGE

HOMEOSTASIS

RUNNING ROUND THE SUN

IN JUST 88 PACES

INFINITE FACES

ELIXIR, AND OASIS

PERENNIAL LIGHT

AND SECRETS OF THE AGES

WISEMEN AND SAGES

THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE PAGANS

MAP THE INNER PATH

FORGOTTEN IN THE NASCENT

AS THE WAR RAGES

IM GUARDED BY MY AEGIS

WISDOM AS MY SHIELD

UNBROKEN, UNSHAKEN

MENTAL ENTRAINMENT

SOCIETAL ENSLAVEMENT

FREEDOM BORN OF LOVE

THE CELL LEFT VACANT

so clear is the distinction

between spirit and matter

the light burns

Oh, Mercury!

How needed are you

For they’ve spoken so heavily

of your great ability

to reconcile opposing affinities

and right now I’m straddled

between intelligent infinity

and the bounds of corporeality

Lateralus, Lateralus, Lateralus,

Sing to me!

How do I swing on the spiral,

And still be a human?

To bow to divinity,

and still yet be enclosed

in the labyrinth

that divine spark, long forgotten

what is it about adulthood

that sends us into a stupor

sleepwalkers do we become

the walking dead are we all.

but that eternal youth!

oh, goose flesh encases me

and oh, oh, oh,

the more you shine,

the more they wish to encase it

Crucify me,

I care not

for opposites, I suppose, attract

And if me shining diamonds

demands

the darkness to encircle me

then so be it

For I’ll never, ever yield

and know that resurrection is guaranteed

for the archetypes remain true

the oracular wisdom reminds me

that if I shine

even if I’m swallowed whole

Jupiter rescues his celestial family

From that belly

So be it, then

Let the mythologies do what they do best

Use us as pawns

Characters on their stage

Planetary directors

spiritual ventriloquism

Oh, Sol!

Oh, Lune!

How could I ever have forgotten you?

You are the call to adventure

Oh, I will listen!

Why do I cry?

I honor you

Shine, shine, shine

Inner child

That youth like an elder

That Father and Son as one

I open my hands to your stardust

What are these light orbs that descend into my palms?

Do you know how I love you?

My divine mirror, oh heavens.

Why is it that you, oh Sol, are my compass?

Why is it that my heart ALWAYS

Knows all ways?

You are my golden thread!

I am the golden thread!

Why have I forgotten this?

Oh, Eureka! Eureka do I shout!

For I have struck gold!

And it is that spiritual centre

A gilded feather descends gracefully

From the heavens

A keepsake from that dove

And I tuck it behind my ear

God’s holy graces

I am a vampress,

A seductress,

Unholy temptress — 

A sinful magnet,

I pull you near,

I sink my teeth in — 

And licking my lips,

I taste your soul,

In all its sickness — 

There’s notes of regret,

Such sweet sorrow,

But no forgiveness —

~

And do I taste shame,

Long tucked away,

None to bear witness?

Share with me this fruit,

Taboo sweetness,

Tainted, forbidden —

Psychic transference,

Through the nether,

Escapes your freedom —

Orgasmic embrace,

Desire’s now,

Your condemnation.

~

Though you enter me,

Who’s it doing,

The penetration?

Can you feel my fangs,

That feast on your,

sweet desperation?

I’ve taken your will,

I feel it spill,

OH, my favorite…

The siren does call,

Alluring men,

So pure, so flagrant —

They dance in time,

To my succubine,

Hypnotic cadence.

thank you for getting me on a skincare routine

thank you for getting me to write free verse

thank you for getting me to write fiction

thank you for getting me to read again

thank you for getting me to make friends (seriously, thank you so much)

thank you for teaching me about platonic cuddling

thank you for showing me there are good people out there who will accept me for who I am

thank you for leading by example in your work ethic for it still inspires me

thank you for teaching me how to laugh

thank you for getting me to take people’s silliness less seriously

thank you for teaching me about nonsexual physical contact, for I learned I craved that more deeply than anything

thank you for getting me to eat fruits and vegetables

thank you for making me excited about school and getting an education

thank you for reminding me the pure joy of learning

thank you for humbling me

thank you for helping me trust others enough to open myself again

thank you for helping me see the good in people again

thank you for helping me find deep gratitude for life

thank you for teaching me how to pronounce coax

thank you for making me hopeful that I will find love

thank you for having been there for me so many times

thank you for one of the most significant years of growth and learning in my life

thank you for the kindnesses I failed to mention and perhaps didn’t see

and know that I am deeply, truly grateful.

thank you.

good bye