THE CLOSET MYSTIC

(haha, get it? get it? cause I’m… never mind)

Truly, I am so fucking sorry that you saw that blog post. I had NO idea anyone from my past was following this. Lesson learned that nothing posted online is truly private.

I truly just want you to be happy, God, how sincerely do I mean that. I don’t care if you’re with someone else, I genuinely just want you to be happy and to heal. I did not mean to hurt you and I feel so horrible that you saw that post and that it hurt you. Fuck, I didn’t mean for that to happen.

Please know that I genuinely, truly, from the very bottom of my heart, wish you the deepest happiness, joy, healing, and wellbeing. I would be overjoyed to know you’re truly happy, and that you have found someone that really does make you happy and who is right for you. I care about you, that hasn’t gone away. Please know that.

I did not mean to hurt you and I genuinely feel so horribly that I did. Please know that you deserve to feel good about yourself. Hold your head up high, there is so much good in you. So much potential, brilliance, kindness, and creativity. Live your life to the fullest and know you truly deserve happiness.

Thank you for everything, you made my life so much better. I am so sorry if I made you forget that. I don’t even know where to begin. Just know that you came into my life and truly, genuinely helped, and the reason why I am doing better now is so largely in part due to what you brought into my life.

This is truly, genuinely, from the very bottom of my heart.

Here I am remembering that I am whole and complete as I am. It’s like I convinced myself that was not the case.

But:

I love myself, and in doing so, I can give others deeper and truer love, and I can give others the full benefit of my true, innermost spirit.

How can Aquarius pour without her cup being full? I allow myself to shine like Leo, with Aquarius gathering that light in the cup to pour fourth for all.

Falling in love with oneself is the highest stepping towards truly being capable of falling in love with another. It is the true moving towards self-sufficiency.

Though we will likely always have some degree of need for another, the gradual movement towards true self-love will make us depend on others less, better able to give, and less desperate to receive.

I am falling in love with myself again. I am recognizing that I am whole and complete again. A purity, a sweet babe is born from this inner union and true completion and wholeness, and I will hold him tenderly.

Let it be known in as prosaic and plain language as I can speak in that I love every single one of you still. Though I’ve lost all of you, you all remain in my heart.

Let it be known that many times I have expressed my love for you all in private conference with the celestial. Let it be known that I’ve asked the heavens that you all find the deepest happiness and healing possible. Let it be known that you all deserve deep happiness, love, and healing. Let it be known that that comes from the most earnest center of my heart. Let it be known that I harbor no ill will towards any of you. Let it be known that the part of myself that loves you all the most is the part of myself that has the easiest time setting you all free, though there is still pain. Let it be known that the part of myself that loves the most deeply, purely, and truly is the part of myself that has the easiest time imagining you being with someone else.

Let it be known that my heart does still remain, and the love I ever gave to any of you was never, ever, ever a lie. Let it be known I love all of you and your families and wish the highest blessings on all of you.

I bid you all farewell.

Let it be known that one can be deeply flawed, deeply wounded, and so deeply blinded by pain that one inadvertently takes others in the crossfire, but still have real and deep love in their heart despite the glaring ugliness pouring forth from some deep, dark, unexplored place of the psyche.

Know that I’ve dedicated myself to the pursuit of high and pure love, to bring that forth to my highest capability in this life, to find and dissolve all barriers of pain and fear erected against that wondrous force, and that you have all served as a catalyst for that work to take place. The real work, not rooted in escapism, but rooted in the nitty gritty facing of all that is difficult to face, relying on the strength of the heart — the only force strong enough to conquer it all — to do so.

Know that I’m grateful to each and every one of you, truly, from the very bottom of my heart. Thank you — and I know the universe smiles on each and every one of you, for each of you is possessed of hearts that are so worth smiling upon. You are all at your core good. Thank you for being you.

Again, farewell–

And wed am I

In a marriage arranged

To depth and intensity

Without so much as a say

My groom, my suitor,

My loving maelstrom

Imprinted in my flesh

Are scars of his love

I lift my wrist

And check the time

Veiling these slits

on the underside

Those Piscean fish

Are bound and tied

As am I

His captive bride

He strokes my face

Black hole eyes

It is my fate

To be pulled inside

There have been many times

Where life itself

Felt like a fight for survival

Many times where I felt

Like that concentrated point

That exoplanet

In the farthest reaches of our solar system

Hanging on to the Sun’s orbit for dear life

Parsecs and parsecs away

One year

Being half a millennium

And now is no different

But I retreat inward

And call upon that High Priestess

That graceful ancestress

Her five-pearled orbit

That holiest dance of hers

For her pardon

For the antidote

To expel the contagion

to exorcise the ghosts of the past

The poltergeists of this temple

For I seek to be made

Once more

And forevermore

Like a maiden

Belonging to no one

But that pure Spirit

But that purest Spirit

Yes,

Let me be like the Moon

Let me be your prism

To pay homage

To the sevenfold glories you hold

Break me open

And let what is contained in that white light

Spill

Is it at last done?

Is it at last over with,

Is it finished?

Let it be so —

Reclaim me,

My shepherd.

Let me hold your hand

For I care not

what they think of me

I am a child

and I want to be held

That is all

Reclaim me

I can do all things

through that Dove

who descends from the heavens

I can do all things

Through that love,

Its redemptive forgiveness

for it is that

celestial light

that grants me strength

to stand up and fight

These chains of shame

fall without effort

the past’s bondage

gracefully severed

I deserve love

Like all beings do

And my foresight

Relays this core truth:

That every death

Foretells a new life

That in the end,

It’ll be alright —

And if it’s not,

The end’s yet to come,

Optimism,

Is in truth, realism.

I was Parsifal

questing for the Grail

an ancient treasure map

assembled by the fabled

Hermes Trismegistus

Nestled in my hands

I chewed on its riddles

Nightly

Different flavors

making themselves known

and the more I chewed

the more flavorful it became

and sublingually

did its alchemical wisdom

make haste

for my pineal gland

and a message

a message of sorts

began to form

in that holy playground

of the mystic eye

and it said to me

it spoke to me

oh so wise…

the dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed

Once again 

have I come to bear witness

To the fickle hearts of mankind 

Once again 

have I come to realize

That the waxing and waning

Of our chosen loyalties

Are like houses of straw

To be toppled 

by word of mouth

By a mere breath, 

a mere sigh

Once again do I come to recognize

The parable of building one’s house on sand
Or on the eternal stone

For that love that transcends time

Also transcends 

its tendencies towards erosion

So,
once again,

Does serpent 
Bound by earth

Turn into eagle,

To transcend 

this vessel. 

For the macrocosm beckons me
And always has beckoned me.

I will venture to the mount
And shed the flesh

To be infused by starlight
And share it with mankind.
I recognize the chains I wear
And I recognize charred flesh has
healed over them

But no matter how stuck they are
We are not one

And I will peel them off

And I will bear the associated agonies

For my heart leaps for the celestials

It will leap through my chest

Ripping off the chains

And my skin with it

I truly had no idea anyone from my past was following this blog.

I hope you know I wrote that as a form of catharsis. I did not mean to hurt you at all.

You are a good person and I truly, genuinely wish you and your new partner utmost happiness. It would make me overjoyed to know that you are truly happy.

I wish you and your family all the best.