THE CLOSET MYSTIC

On forgiveness:

Forgiveness is the cleaning of the soul. Forgiveness, then, truly is next to godliness. 

Reasons to forgive:

• Belief that people can and do improve.
• Belief that you can heal from the hurt they caused you. The hurt one holds onto is inversely proportional to their ability to forgive. True, deep healing creates forgiveness; forgiveness creates true, deep healing.
• Forgiveness is growth. Anything else is stagnation and decay — to look backward instead of forward. 
• Love feels better than hate. To forgive is to let oneself love again. Forgiveness is the dissolution of protective walls of scar tissue — walls that seek defense, but only prevent the healing salve of loving connection from being applied. 
• Forgiveness redeems not only the one being forgiven, but also the one doing the forgiving. Who truly suffers when one holds onto gnawing, biting anger? What truly is anger but a foolish attempt to deny the soft underbelly common to all humanity, that space containing the hurt we’d prefer to ignore? What is the anger but an attempt to delude ourselves that we still hold some semblance of power in reaction to our deep feelings of helplessness and powerlessness brought on by being human and having emotions at all? How terribly vulnerable that is. And, oh, how we grasp at straws to escape that reality, scrambling to forge flimsy rafts on chaotic seas, doomed to be swallowed by the deep at the first sign of a storm.

Forgiveness is the holiest of holies, the highest of altars, the Philosopher’s Stone, Holy Grail, and Elixir of Life. Forgiveness is the greatest of strengths, forgiveness is the beauty of beauties. Forgiveness is all the strength of Mars, the most brave and knightly of warriors. Forgiveness is the beauty of Venus, her high and sacred sweetness. Forgiveness is god and goddess made one.

“My God, what does it mean to forgive?”

“To forgive is to let yourself love again.”

What about taking accountability? What about when the one to be forgiven is not another, but oneself? Where is the line between escaping blame, turning a blind eye to one’s own wrongs, and truly, honestly forgiving oneself?

You need not forgive yourself. You need only recognize that your God forgives you, and that forgiveness is about an opportunity to rectify. No matter how you’ve stumbled, the rest of the staircase to your Father’s house is always there to be climbed. The opportunity for betterment exists always.

No matter how you’ve stumbled on the path, it makes no sense to stay put, to stay seated. Forgiveness of oneself is about the reminder that the destination of love and goodness is always there to be sought.

Forgiveness is about redemption and the promise of redemption. To forgive oneself is about the recognition that the slate can always be wiped clean when the desire is there and true and earnest. It’s the reminder that the love and goodness of this universe is greater than any hurt and wrong we may do to each other.

Forgiveness is about the courage to do better.

Forgiveness, maybe, is about the recognition that the possibility for goodness contained within our future is always infinitely greater than the quantity of bad contained within our past.

Prove your ability to have learned a lesson and grow.

To fall in love with oneself is to meet the spark of pure creativity that exists within, and to make the declaration that it deserves its fullest expression in this lifetime.

It is to say that I deserve to be myself, that there is no treasure greater than that, for that spark is true alchemical Gold, greater than any material coin to ever be discovered.

Fall in love with yourself. Know that you will be doing everyone else a favor. Know that in doing so, you extend an invitation to all others to do the very same.

How can a constellation be made without shining stars? If we all allow ourselves to be our very bright, unique selves, claiming the beauty of the true spark of individuality stored within, we will become whole constellations. This is the beauty of humanity when we work together — we should all let ourselves shine like stars, knowing that we will create blazing glories across the night sky, our unity and community bringing us from singular points of life, to great, glorious, burning constellations.

attachment… the nature of attachment. what a high danger it is.

Saturn, ruler of the physical realm maybe. Also ruler of time, reminds us that all things are temporary. Thus, attachment… is foolish, necessarily. Change is constant. Death is change. Change IS death. To be attached is rooted in foolishness, because it is to deny the transitory nature of reality — to beg for things to be fixed when they are anything but.

high and beautiful and true love, however. it can transcend. that is our key to the eternal. Love.

this reality is a game. so go out and play. we are literally in an arcade game. have fun with it. choose your character. choose your own adventure. be the hero of your own story!

why would we fear? what is there, truly, to fear? fear is self-imposed limitation that blinds us to the infinite stored within our hearts. what is consequence? what consequences can truly exist in an arcade game? this begs the question of what is truly “real.”

ultimately, once we decide what is important to us, and what we would like to achieve within this game (side thought, the zodiac wheel is like the character selection screen OMG LOVE THAT IDEA!) we decide our own bounds and rules.

This is NOT an invitation to live haphazardly, with reckless abandon! No — it is an invitation to realize your highest bliss, and to know that you are the creator of this game, both creator and created. Therefore, only you could prevent yourself from achieving and realizing it.

Live life to the full, for there is literally no reason not to.

I care not for the opinions of mortals

And that includes me

For I have convened with the goddess

And she gave me a message

Of universal redemption

That you

And I

And all

Are her sons and daughters

We are her children

Each of us her favorite

Each just as special as the rest

Each with the seed of perfection planted

And she whispered into my ear a secret

On the whereabouts of that divine seed:

“My dear,

Be silent:

Don’t you hear?

That pulsating,

in your ear?”

She planted her hand on my chest:

“Sweetie,

It’s right here.”

did you fall from heaven,

into the sea?

are you that goddess

that quarreling old titans

fatefully gave birth to?

I know not

but you carry her essence

a pearl from

the very same shell

from which she emerged

your origins

are a recollection

of that oldest and ever renewing mystery

what else could be longed for more

and yet more terrifying

elusive,

yet thumping in our chests

that which we’d soon die for

that which we’d continue to live for

the intermixing of pain and pleasure

holding the olive branch of peace

yet also

the beating of the war drum

the only thing I’d fight for

love

the only thing I’d stop fighting for

love

the only thing I’d die for

love

that which keeps me alive

love. love. love. sweet love.

My life blood

and that which may cause it to spill

but,

if it spills,

it would be without regret,

if done,

in the name of love.

for my life blood is hers

to be taken

if she wishes

Embrace the elements

Your feet in the grass

Be free, my sweet child

Go play, and laugh

Simplicity is bliss

nature’s thy bedroom

Give Mother a kiss

let her tuck you in

with blankets of lilies

a pillow of moss

I’ll snuggle in tightly

let the stars

be your bedtime story

to connect you to generations

long before

and long, long after

I’ll tuck a flower behind your ear

as a proclamation

of my deepest

adoration

you deserve adornments

you deserve to flourish

my lovely little rose garden you are

I’ll keep this hallowed grove

our little slice of Eden

free from trampling feet

call to me

at any time, any day

I am there, I am yours

and when you’ve grown

I’ll take thy hand

and we’ll embark

in search of ever greater beauty

let the pastures we come across

be exclamations of love

every scene

a metaphor

for what we have created together

for I love you

I love you

I need to write pretty frankly to anyone who may ever come upon these writings to know that, no matter how dark and fucked up the shit I write here may get, I truly am okay. No matter what. I really do mean that — I see artistic value in the extreme depths of sorrow I am capable of. However, no matter how turbulent the waters are, I feel adept in navigating them. I am a water man, I’m a swimmer, I dive in the ocean regularly and embrace the chaos.

My writing is similar. I embrace my emotional currents similarly. I have no genuine desire to commit suicide, nor to die. I need to make that very, very clear. I truly am okay. I still wake up everyday and do my absolute best. I joke, I laugh, I sing at the top of my lungs, I do things that make me happy. I have genuine and real support from those around me who love me. I experience deep joy, gratitude, wonder, and love, still, on a daily basis.

Things aren’t always easy, nor are they always completely calm. They rarely are. However, no matter the storm I am weathering, I still identify with that still center — the eye of the storm, the Atman, Polaris.

Truly, even if I’m not okay, I’m always okay.

the laws of the universe hold true

what a fool I was for thinking I could escape the universal gavel

what goes up

must come down

every action has an equal and opposite

reaction

these depths make perfect sense

for the heights we soared to were unfathomable

the bliss

cosmic in nature

unending euphoria

had a price

oh,

I’m fucking paying.

I’m taking our love

To the cemetery

Spade in hand

I’m ready to see it buried.

However

I’m trying to remember

Not to bury

My hopes

My happiness

Every shred of sweetness in my life

Nor,

Lastly,

Myself

With it.