THE CLOSET MYSTIC

I don’t need to fight the death…

Suicidality is actually a form of resistance to death.

You want to kill your physical self to escape the spiritual dying you are undergoing.

But if you allow your spirit to die, you’ll recall the essence of immortality within —

for the Solar force of your spirit, even if it temporarily sets, will rise again in the dawn that follows.

So, let yourself die.

I’ll let myself die.

Death is here.

Will I resist his hand, or become acquainted as a friend?

Is he not also truth’s harbinger? Are not all answers revealed in Death?

Surrender. Surrender all. The only things Death can take from you are things that were never yours in the first place.

He will win the tug of war, no matter how desperately you cling to what he has come for.

So, this is it. I am done fighting. I’m ready for the dying, I’m letting go and surrendering.

And oh, the euphoria that soon follows —

What greater catalyst to action is there than pain?

Thank you for removing the stagnancy of comfort. I am being propelled to actions greater than I ever would have considered through this beautiful, wondrous, terrible agony. 

I will always turn my lead into gold.

I am the levee,

And I may break.

It won’t stop raining —

How much can I take?

Oh,

And when it rains,

It does pour —

Shaken by the pain

Knocked down,

on all fours

I’ll hold on to every last shred

Of faith,

Of hope,

And of love

Though, truthfully,

I’m not sure

any of it

Is enough

I kneel down

Pray, light a candle

I look to the heavens

For this is more than I can handle

The sorrow

is a metastasizing cancer

I’m in need of anything:

A panacea

A remedy

Some truth…

An answer.

How angry am I at myself

For my infidelity!

I forgot my true macrocosmic loves

In my dance with this microcosmic sliver

I forgot the baptismal power

Of the ocean,

Her never-ending promise of renewal

I forgot the queen

And gave my devotion elsewhere.

If I ever stop squealing when the Moon rises,

Know I’ve lost myself

If the Moon is illuminating the night sky

And my face isn’t glued to the window

For the entirety of the drive,

Know that I’ve lost myself.

If I’ve chosen to be enraptured

only by another person

And not the grandeur of the sea

Please come knocking

For I’m just now coming back home

And my God,

I did not realize how homesick I was

Why did I allow myself to suffer so much?

One minute gazing

At the face of the Moon

Erased a year

Of gazing at you

And then I found myself again

Ah, the remembering!

The a-ha moment —

She immediately took me back into her embrace

For the great Goddess changes shape,

But always,

Always remains.

No matter how dark the night,

Her whispers of wisdom

Act as guide

I sought from a mortal

What the cosmic Mother always had to give

In abundance

I feel safe

In this codependency

Yes,

I’ll cling

I’ll grasp

I’ll hold on like nothing else

Toxic as can be

Yes,

I’ll be attached as can be

To the Moon

To the Moon

To the Mother —

my great mother,

always there to make me feel safe

She carries me in her womb always

From beginning to end

I will be codependent as can be

For she’ll never,

Ever,

Ever leave.

The sickness of the rich lives within me

The more I have the more I want

What do I do?

I would give it all away to live purely

These chains are made of gold

Yet they are chains all the same

An emptiness within that will not abate

What do I truly hunger for?

Help me

In coming to know the kingdom of Heaven that is right before us, hidden in plain sight at all times,

It is not enough to become yourself like a child, pure, eyes full of wonder, heart full of faith and hope —

We must also see that every other person around us is a child as well, that adulthood is an illusion, that we are all merely ignorant, innocent, flailing children trying our very best — this is the beginning, to me, of ultimate forgiveness for all beings.

We are all children. We are all children. We are all children, and I love and forgive each and every one of us for it. All so worthy of basic love just by virtue of being, like any child is.

How can one take anything personally after this realization? How can I not want to love on each and every human deeply after this realization? How can I not want to provide the most basic nurturing to each and every person after this knowing is revealed, in coming to see that all evils are a product of its lack?

The Goddess exposes herself, removing her veil for the perfect suitor, only after she knows that we are prepared to love her children perfectly.

In the salinity do I meet infinity

Your heart is the ocean

And I am salt.

I’m ready to dissolve,

For better or for worse,

Take me,

Take me,

Take me,

Purify me

Individuality

is merely a drop

But reality —

Is the whole sea.

I long to return home

To the source.

Take my ego

Make me like a child

The Mother sways me gently in her arms

When I, on my raft, bob in the waves

When I tell you I’ve longed for death,

I am really trying to tell you how little I’ve lived.

To long for death

is the highest longing for life.

It’s saying,

That this life isn’t living

what would be different in my demise?

I do believe that I long not for death,

But for birth

Like the ouroboros,

The end is the beginning

I haven’t longed for an ending

But what may lay beyond

That light at the end

Of the tunnel

I do wish to be dissolved in the holy water

I do wish to surrender all of the ills

All of the wrongs,

All of the wrongdoings

Grant me redemption

For so long did I focus on alleviating my own suffering. However, I’ve realized now that the only way to do that is to alleviate the suffering of others. 

To live in compassion, give selflessly, and love mercifully… that is the only way to do it.

I am ready to carry my cross and serve the whole. To love and live purely. It has been the highest calling of my heart that I did not know how to answer.

But you’ve shown me. And I’m ready. I am so ready to open my heart. How joyous and victorious does this feel, for it is not my own victory, nor my own joy, but it is for the whole, the all. I am nothing, and in realizing that, what has opened up to me is everything

In order to honor and thank you for all the love that you gave me, I will love the whole. I will work for others. I will become a humble servant. I am going to dedicate myself to volunteer work, and giving. 

That’s the only way I feel I can atone. By selfless service — nothing else. Nothing else. Nothing else.

I do not exist anymore. 

How do I rid myself of the bonds of selfishness? A prison cell, confining me from the grandeur of the whole. I wish to live for others, I’d bleed to feed you. Let me bleed. Eat of me. I can’t live this way anymore — I can’t live at all. Let me die that you may live. 

I don’t think there is any other way to restore balance. I need to be eaten of. Let me be the feed of the benevolent. I wish to support you

I wish to support the kindhearted. The meek. Oh, how sorry I am. May my repentance be the giving of my neck unto you. Sink your teeth in. Oh, that piercing pain is my return to order and harmony. Oh, as you drain me of my blood, so too does my guilt escape the wound. 

The greater you grow, the greater my contentment and satisfaction. 

I’ve taken too much. Please, please, please grant me homeostasis by taking from me. I don’t exist anymore. I want you to exist, made possible by my vanquishing, my annihilation. May you be born of my demise. May your heart grow in wonder, in splendor, in appetite for life and joy and abundance. 

Rescue me from the chains of this flesh. I am ready to be taken. I am ready, I’ve always been ready.