THE CLOSET MYSTIC

Any pain is pleasure when it’s done by you

All sorrow is ecstasy if it’s in your name

Destruction is creation at your hand

So, then,

I yield

To this

Pain

And sorrow

Destroy me

I’d do it gleefully

If dealt by you and you alone

Dark beauty

Is my unique flavor

I cannot adore you

Unless you carry the seed of my destruction

For one cannot bring me life

If they don’t also bear

The power of death

You wield the Plutonic scalpel

I yield to you

My belly

Excavate any organ of your choosing

My heart is yours to harvest

Would you let me

Do the same?

Can we trade hearts?

Let your heart beat in my chest

And mine in yours

For that is how I want to love —

Your death

means my heart

Stops beating

I am yours

In life and in death

Immune to relational cataclysm

I’ve rediscovered the core of my being

Sacred power,

Transneptunian

This ring of Plutonium

Unburdened

Atlas at last relieved

I commune with the beyond

Whispers converted into shouts

The spirits of the deceased

Sit at the table

Offering council

This coincidencia oppositorum

Of the living and the dead

Conjunction and marriage

Of two opposites

Made one

The Lord of the Underworld

Is my brother

Who offers understanding

no mortal can grant

I sit with him

Lips blue

Body like ice

Yet he warms me at the hearth

In the middle of Earth

He opens the gates

Of Elysium

But I’d rather sit at his side

For my heart is loyal

Feed me pomegranate

I’ll remain for an eternity

Thank you

All alchemists must learn that there is no greater transmutative flame than loving forgiveness.

I’ve been told that fear is the heart of love,

But is not love the heart of fear?

what could we truly fear except the loss of that which we love?

this is humanity’s greatest strength and our greatest weakness —

Our downfall and our redemption —

Love.

I don’t need to fight the death…

Suicidality is actually a form of resistance to death.

You want to kill your physical self to escape the spiritual dying you are undergoing.

But if you allow your spirit to die, you’ll recall the essence of immortality within —

for the Solar force of your spirit, even if it temporarily sets, will rise again in the dawn that follows.

So, let yourself die.

I’ll let myself die.

Death is here.

Will I resist his hand, or become acquainted as a friend?

Is he not also truth’s harbinger? Are not all answers revealed in Death?

Surrender. Surrender all. The only things Death can take from you are things that were never yours in the first place.

He will win the tug of war, no matter how desperately you cling to what he has come for.

So, this is it. I am done fighting. I’m ready for the dying, I’m letting go and surrendering.

And oh, the euphoria that soon follows —

What greater catalyst to action is there than pain?

Thank you for removing the stagnancy of comfort. I am being propelled to actions greater than I ever would have considered through this beautiful, wondrous, terrible agony. 

I will always turn my lead into gold.

I am the levee,

And I may break.

It won’t stop raining —

How much can I take?

Oh,

And when it rains,

It does pour —

Shaken by the pain

Knocked down,

on all fours

I’ll hold on to every last shred

Of faith,

Of hope,

And of love

Though, truthfully,

I’m not sure

any of it

Is enough

I kneel down

Pray, light a candle

I look to the heavens

For this is more than I can handle

The sorrow

is a metastasizing cancer

I’m in need of anything:

A panacea

A remedy

Some truth…

An answer.

How angry am I at myself

For my infidelity!

I forgot my true macrocosmic loves

In my dance with this microcosmic sliver

I forgot the baptismal power

Of the ocean,

Her never-ending promise of renewal

I forgot the queen

And gave my devotion elsewhere.

If I ever stop squealing when the Moon rises,

Know I’ve lost myself

If the Moon is illuminating the night sky

And my face isn’t glued to the window

For the entirety of the drive,

Know that I’ve lost myself.

If I’ve chosen to be enraptured

only by another person

And not the grandeur of the sea

Please come knocking

For I’m just now coming back home

And my God,

I did not realize how homesick I was

Why did I allow myself to suffer so much?

One minute gazing

At the face of the Moon

Erased a year

Of gazing at you

And then I found myself again

Ah, the remembering!

The a-ha moment —

She immediately took me back into her embrace

For the great Goddess changes shape,

But always,

Always remains.

No matter how dark the night,

Her whispers of wisdom

Act as guide

I sought from a mortal

What the cosmic Mother always had to give

In abundance

I feel safe

In this codependency

Yes,

I’ll cling

I’ll grasp

I’ll hold on like nothing else

Toxic as can be

Yes,

I’ll be attached as can be

To the Moon

To the Moon

To the Mother —

my great mother,

always there to make me feel safe

She carries me in her womb always

From beginning to end

I will be codependent as can be

For she’ll never,

Ever,

Ever leave.

The sickness of the rich lives within me

The more I have the more I want

What do I do?

I would give it all away to live purely

These chains are made of gold

Yet they are chains all the same

An emptiness within that will not abate

What do I truly hunger for?

Help me