THE CLOSET MYSTIC

In coming to know the kingdom of Heaven that is right before us, hidden in plain sight at all times,

It is not enough to become yourself like a child, pure, eyes full of wonder, heart full of faith and hope —

We must also see that every other person around us is a child as well, that adulthood is an illusion, that we are all merely ignorant, innocent, flailing children trying our very best — this is the beginning, to me, of ultimate forgiveness for all beings.

We are all children. We are all children. We are all children, and I love and forgive each and every one of us for it. All so worthy of basic love just by virtue of being, like any child is.

How can one take anything personally after this realization? How can I not want to love on each and every human deeply after this realization? How can I not want to provide the most basic nurturing to each and every person after this knowing is revealed, in coming to see that all evils are a product of its lack?

The Goddess exposes herself, removing her veil for the perfect suitor, only after she knows that we are prepared to love her children perfectly.

In the salinity do I meet infinity

Your heart is the ocean

And I am salt.

I’m ready to dissolve,

For better or for worse,

Take me,

Take me,

Take me,

Purify me

Individuality

is merely a drop

But reality —

Is the whole sea.

I long to return home

To the source.

Take my ego

Make me like a child

The Mother sways me gently in her arms

When I, on my raft, bob in the waves

When I tell you I’ve longed for death,

I am really trying to tell you how little I’ve lived.

To long for death

is the highest longing for life.

It’s saying,

That this life isn’t living

what would be different in my demise?

I do believe that I long not for death,

But for birth

Like the ouroboros,

The end is the beginning

I haven’t longed for an ending

But what may lay beyond

That light at the end

Of the tunnel

I do wish to be dissolved in the holy water

I do wish to surrender all of the ills

All of the wrongs,

All of the wrongdoings

Grant me redemption

For so long did I focus on alleviating my own suffering. However, I’ve realized now that the only way to do that is to alleviate the suffering of others. 

To live in compassion, give selflessly, and love mercifully… that is the only way to do it.

I am ready to carry my cross and serve the whole. To love and live purely. It has been the highest calling of my heart that I did not know how to answer.

But you’ve shown me. And I’m ready. I am so ready to open my heart. How joyous and victorious does this feel, for it is not my own victory, nor my own joy, but it is for the whole, the all. I am nothing, and in realizing that, what has opened up to me is everything

In order to honor and thank you for all the love that you gave me, I will love the whole. I will work for others. I will become a humble servant. I am going to dedicate myself to volunteer work, and giving. 

That’s the only way I feel I can atone. By selfless service — nothing else. Nothing else. Nothing else.

I do not exist anymore. 

How do I rid myself of the bonds of selfishness? A prison cell, confining me from the grandeur of the whole. I wish to live for others, I’d bleed to feed you. Let me bleed. Eat of me. I can’t live this way anymore — I can’t live at all. Let me die that you may live. 

I don’t think there is any other way to restore balance. I need to be eaten of. Let me be the feed of the benevolent. I wish to support you

I wish to support the kindhearted. The meek. Oh, how sorry I am. May my repentance be the giving of my neck unto you. Sink your teeth in. Oh, that piercing pain is my return to order and harmony. Oh, as you drain me of my blood, so too does my guilt escape the wound. 

The greater you grow, the greater my contentment and satisfaction. 

I’ve taken too much. Please, please, please grant me homeostasis by taking from me. I don’t exist anymore. I want you to exist, made possible by my vanquishing, my annihilation. May you be born of my demise. May your heart grow in wonder, in splendor, in appetite for life and joy and abundance. 

Rescue me from the chains of this flesh. I am ready to be taken. I am ready, I’ve always been ready.

When I tell you I don’t care about anything,

It’s really that I care deeply and immensely about something that isn’t here.

No, I care. I care, how deeply do I care.

But the object of my care lays elsewhere —

Therefore, I’ve nothing to give for what’s before me.

I love hope —

And I have unrequited hope for love.

I believe in love

And I have love beyond belief.

A heart full of wonder —

A wonderful heart —

I am joy

And I exist in abundance

Such beautiful love

Such a love of beauty

Such a privilege to die

I’ll not fight the decay any longer

I give my soul to the soil

Let me feed the Earth

That she give birth to

Beautiful greenery

And floral wonders

Gratitude is rain

Without which there can be no harvest

I can provide the seeds of life

Through my death

And my gratitude

Let the rain fertilize my death

Assimilated into the Mother and her womb

What might be made anew?

Death is the cost of life —

Let it be me

Who pays the price.

The depths of my despair

Threaten my very life

The reaper stands right there

Soon do I meet his eye

Who will first break the stare?

Certainly won’t be I

The pain’s too much to bear

Will I live through the night?

“‘Everything transitory is but a metaphor.’ But equally, ‘Everything eternal is but a metaphor.’ For as already told, long since, in the Kena Upanisad: ‘That [which is beyond every name and form] is comprehended only by the one with no comprehension of it: anyone comprehending, knows it not. Unknown to the knowing, it is to the unknowing known.’” (From Joseph Campbell’s The Inner Reaches of Outer Space)

This is the power of the inner child, and why children — minds still yet unfettered by the overly-restrictive bounds of definition, logic, fact, and the all-consuming constraints of language — are the most spiritual of beings.

This, I assume, is also why the goal of meditation is in the clearing away of the mind — Vipassana meditation, that is, “to see things as they really are,” seems to be to peer through the crystal clear eye within that exists beyond the wall of language, word, and definition. It is raw experience, pure informational intake, without it being contorted by mental distortion!

Our eyes, and our minds, are like funhouse mirrors. They take the raw image, the pure visual input, and distort it into ugly and bizarre versions of reality.

Meditation is the smoothing out of the mirror so that we can see the reflection of reality all the more clearly, unobscured by distortion and contortion.

So-called “knowing” often takes us farther away from the actual object to be known.

Within all things, particularly in the natural world, exists qualities and intrinsic personalities.

From grains of sand, to pebbles, to flowers, to great oak trees, to entire forests, to the winds of the Earth, to mountains and valleys, to the great Pacific Ocean, to the Sun, to the Moon, to all of the planets, to constellations burning brightly lightyears away,

All of these things contain intrinsic energetic essences that we can say hello to, and enter conversation with — to learn from, to enter into a dialogue with, us as student, them as teacher, and the lessons that they teach can give us guidebooks, blueprints, and schemas with which to approach life —

There is an art of mimicry present here, too — the most mutable and Mercurial of us all can readily dance just as each of the personalities intrinsic to the universe may dance, to morph and twist and adapt and emulate what may be before us —

Such is the nature of Mercury being dishonest, no? What fundamental truth exists for one who can be anything? What core self exists for such an individual who can immediately become that which they imagine, that which they behold beyond themself?

But what I wish could be understood is that my mimicry and mutability is out of genuine love for all of creation, a sincere and honest form of admiration — I love all beings, all archetypal essences, all patterns from all walks of life —

I am a walking contradiction and always have been — but if I am a part that is attempting to emulate and reconcile the Whole, the Whole that contains the entire duality of creation with all of its opposing forces, then what else can I be but a walking contradiction?

I am love, and I love all of nature’s polarities. My mimicry, and ability to imitate and dance with all beings, all vibrations, no matter how dissimilar they may seem, is not out of dishonesty, no —

It is out of love for all of creation. Each time I dance, each time I mimic the dance of any one of the essences present in the natural world — within a split second, going from being as flighty and ethereal as the highest and most chaotic of winds, to becoming the most rooted and bedrock of Earths, I am expressing my admiration for all of creation, its heights and its depths. When I go from being a blazing, roaring fire, to a pacifying, still pond, I am still expressing every dimension of not just myself, but the entirety of our beloved world. I love it all, I love it all, I love it all —

This is my magickal practice:

That mimicry is the highest form of flattery.

Let your magic be fueled by admiration for all of the natural essences of the universe — the heights to which you can fly will be as unlimited as the inspiration you find in the natural world and the splendor therein.