THE CLOSET MYSTIC

And why must they have

Such depths of disdain and spite

For united halves

Me, the hermaphrodite?

Oh, to them it must be

So terribly scary

To have to witness or see

Something nonbinary

Those who breathe in uranium

Existing in the realm untethered

Must be condemned to mental sanitariums

To be forced to “get better”

Born with an innate insanity

I alone stand distinct

Not quite a member of humanity

I belong to a species extinct

Perhaps the last of my kind

I pray it is not so

I hope I might find

Another one “in the know”

What a burden it is to bear

To hold a precious secret

no one with whom to share

No one that can hear it

But I believe

That at last

I’ve found relief

With one from my past

Another one

So inhumanly strange

Moon to my Sun

And equally deranged

Her hand in mine

Like grabbing millions of balloons

Leaving our atmospheric confines

Going to greet the Moon

Oh, what a woman so luminous

Let’s mix together our blood

Oh, what a love so ruinous

Stirring within inhuman lust

Down before you I cry

Down before you I beg

I think I just might die

Without my face between your legs

I’ve never known greater fire

I’ve never known greater heat

This urge within me is so dire

I’ll collapse here at your feet

Abominable flower

This most sacred underworld

Over me you’ve all the power

Let me watch her unfurl

Her holiest of nectar

Cure to my dehydration

At all costs I’ll protect her

She’s the key to my salvation

I know deep down

There is no other

I want to see in the white gown

Nor to be my children’s mother

You are all that and more

Which I’ve forever sought

You consume me to my core

You inhabit and guide each thought

At last I am free

And these thoughts of suicide

Are so much more appealing

Than letting go of my pride

And what’s under revealing

I cannot forever hide

But if I’m to start healing

Then I must embrace the light

And set free my true feelings

Posted to Reddit, 3/09/22:

I am of the belief that stories and myths are the keys to understanding the journeys of the soul. Authors, writers, storytellers, and artists of all kinds channel the Gods (a fancy name for the universe’s Primordial Archetypal Signatures, which is pretty fancy in and of itself) in their work. There are few more sacred professions than that of the artist and storyteller.

Whether or not they want to, story-and-myth-tellers of all kinds unknowingly channel Spirit in their work. Whether or not they are consciously spiritual, our storytellers tell stories of the soul’s journey and evolution. And every now and then, a story gets told that holds more of the shimmer of Spirit therein.

I believe the Hunger Games is one of those tales.

For the past couple of years, in many of my meditations, one of the many symbols my mind presented me was of Katniss and Peeta uniting at the end of the Hunger Games, refusing to kill each other, forcing the Game Masters to let them both live. At the beginning, in the infancy of my spiritual awakening, I naturally had no conscious awareness of what exactly the story was that my unconscious mind was trying to tell. However, as I have progressed on making conscious the unconscious, mainly through learning about the key allegories and mythological systems for understanding inner spiritual initiation, I have come to realize several things:

First of all, in my understanding of the alchemical hermaphrodite — a basic symbol of the inner consecration of eternal Love through the making One of the polarities — the symbolism there was clear. It was a symbol of internal conjunction. Of Love overcoming Death, as Peeta and Katniss did by uniting.

But then, I decided to have a watch again tonight, as the movie and its many symbols were making rounds through my conscious awareness. I had to see if I was missing anything. And boy, the symbolism is richer than I thought, especially in consideration of the Zodiac.

In evolutionary/esoteric astrology, the soul is said to make its progression from Aries to Pisces throughout many lives. A basic theme is that the lower the number Zodiac sign, the more self-concerned, whereas the higher the number, the more selfless. This is why Aries can be considered brash and inconsiderate; this is why Pisces lets itself get steam-rolled over, is self-sacrificing, is allegorically associated with Jesus, etc. The soul learns the true meaning of Love in its journey through the Zodiac.

Watching the movie, I was reminded of the 1-12 District system, obviously reflecting the twelve signs. (I even remembered that, in the later books, there was a mysterious District 13 whose existence was uncertain. This made me chuckle remembering the controversy over Opiuchus.)

With the idea of the movie’s symbolic spiritual expression already cooking in my mind, the rest fit so easily, like puzzle pieces:

– District 1 (Aries) was home to the Careers. These were those who were raised to fight and succeed in the Hunger Games. Theirs were among the most selfish, and with the least heart, of all of the tributes.

– District 12 (Pisces) was home to our primary and secondary protagonists, Katniss and Peeta. Katniss first of all enters the games by sacrificing herself in lieu of her sister — a Piscean theme — volunteering as tribute. Katniss and Peeta exhibit the most heart throughout the games, with Katniss budding a relationship with District 11’s tribute — a clever girl named Rue. The symbolism is just too good here:

– After Rue from District 11 (Aquarius) tragically dies, we see all of the people of 11 violently rebel and overthrow their Watchers. In District 11, the beginnings of revolution are seen. With Aquarius, zodiac sign number 11, being associated with revolution and freedom, the match is just too perfect.

– Finally, at the end, as covered in the beginning of this post, our District 12ers Katniss and Peeta refuse to murder one another. Despite being told to kill each other, they join hands (cord of the fish/conjunction) when they were the last two left, and put their lives on the line for love of one another. This is the Victory of the Soul in Pisces, and the forging of the Eternal Alchemical Stone (or Rebis/Hermaphrodite). Oneness of opposites is a theme of Pisces with the cord connecting the two opposing fish, symbolic of the Pisces’ basic internal oneness and love/compassion. This is also seen alchemically with the Rebis/Hermaphrodite.

This is all symbolized by Peeta and Katniss becoming one at the end, thus transcending/conquering their deaths. Love won over Fear/Hatred, as it does within in our own inner journey.

The Hunger Games is a wonderful allegory for the victory of the soul, not only eerily matching the archetypal zodiac, but also containing alchemical (and even Gnostic) themes therein.

Posted to Reddit, 5/15/23:

The more I grow, the more I realize that the only true malefic force on a chart is a lack of balance.

The human body always strives for homeostasis, for balance. 7.35-7.40 is the strived-for pH. With 7.0 being total neutral, it seems like the human body has a preference for being pretty darn close to balance between positive (alkalinity) and negative (acidity), with a slight preference for positivity/alkalinity.

I believe our balancing of the celestial principles is the same. We should strive to be pretty darn close to the balancing of opposing forces, with a slight preference for positivity. Our solar system is the same — equal malefic and benefic planets, and yet, our great benefic is the dominant force, largest of the planets, “king of the gods.” The positive force is the dominant force both above and below, within and without.

I state again, however, that the only true malefic on a chart is a lack of balance. The human body is in ill-health if the pH is too negative OR too positive! Jupiter or Saturn in excess can be ruinous when not honed. Saturn’s virtues can be quite beautiful, when balanced and honed in a good direction. Humility. Holding steadfast in suffering. Letting go of the need for instant gratification. Wisdom, understanding the consequences of actions. Being able to plan long term. The ability to take criticism constructively and genuinely do better. Genuine ability for objective (Saturn’s signs being opposite the “subjective” luminary-ruled signs) self-reflection. The list goes on.

As I am coming to see it, it seems that balance of opposing forces, positive and negative, with a slight preference and dominance of positivity — like the human body — is the way.

For a little while now, I’ve had an idea stewing in my head that I’m just now formulating into a proper piece of writing.

The idea has to do with the seeming fact that Venus and Uranus are intrinsically related, found in myth, the physical characteristics of the planets, and in the links between the planets’ significations.

First and foremost, the majority of us are aware of the myth of Venus’s birth. After Ouranos was castrated by Cronus/Saturn, his testicles fell in the ocean. This fertilized the seawater, which gave life to beautiful Venus. So, we see here that, in myth, Venus is the accidental daughter of Ouranos.

Now, before analyzing how the planetary significations are deeply related, consider too that Venus and Uranus are the only planets in the solar system that rotate clockwise. All other planets rotate counter-clockwise. So, it is as if Venus has pretty clearly inherited some traits from her accidental father.

Now, to explain why I believe the significations of these two planets are deeply related and co-dependent — or, at least Venus being dependent on her father — let’s consider what fuels love, romance, and pleasure.

It is my perception, and perhaps universally true, that all forms of pleasure, and perhaps all forms of romance, are best when they are novel. There is a reason why, in relationships, the “honeymoon” period exists at all. There is a reason why most Earthly pleasures “lose their magic” after a while.

Beyond the obvious biochemical reasons, why do we “need more” of recreational drugs for the high to hit the same? Why is sex infinitely better when waiting a considerable amount of time for it? Why do these things lose their “spark” after doing them repeatedly, in excess?

It seems to be a rule that novel things are more pleasurable. They feel better. Perhaps there is some truth to the saying that there is nothing quite like your “first time” when it comes to, well, anything.

It appears that Venus and Uranus are bonded on a very deep level, shown not only in myth, not only in their physical characteristics, but even, and perhaps most importantly, in the way their archetypal energies work in our minds, spirits, and lives. Novelty (Uranus) fuels pleasure and romance (Venus).

So, with this knowledge in mind: what can be done? What can we do to make sure our pleasures maintain their appeal? What can we do to make sure the magic stays alive in our romance?

When discussing this with my partner yesterday, she mentioned that she believes the greatest way to do this is to cultivate a deep and rich inner world, so creative, so fertile, so full of life, that there is no shortage of novelty to provide your partner. By keeping the inner, personal spark alive, how could the relationship become dull?

I would absolutely agree with this, and I believe that her perspective bleeds into mine, which is decidedly more steeped in astrological jargon. There are many different ways to view how the planets work as polarities of each other, particularly when considering Saturn.

Some people view Saturn and Jupiter to be “opposite” energies. However, I could very well see Saturn also being opposite the luminaries, as shown in both Saturn-ruled signs being sister signs to both of our luminary-ruled signs. The Sun and Moon, representing our creative, life-giving masculine and feminine forces respectively, could certainly be considered “opposite” forces to Saturn, representing, in many schools of thought, death, decay, and “blackening.”

To complicate things further, however, and to finally demonstrate my point, could not Saturn also be considered an “opposite” to Uranus? With Saturn having associations with generally “old” things, “the mold,” societal convention, rooted and solid frameworks, and perhaps tradition, could Uranus, representing rebellion, “new” things, freedom from convention, and the untethered and brilliant mind (and so on), not be considered Saturn’s opposite?

If we are to take this perspective, and consider Uranus and Saturn to be opposing forces — and, thus, forces to be balanced for the best outcome in our lives — perhaps this can inform how we approach the Venusian realm, and solve the problem we briefly touched on before: romance and pleasure losing their magic over time.

Perhaps we must employ the Saturnian function in our own lives in order to preserve the sanctity of Venus. (Could Saturn be Isis’s veil? Did the ancients understand this fact, but instead translated that awareness into the oppression and subjugation of the feminine, instead?)

Perhaps we must use temperance, discernment, and an element of conservatism (as in the conservation of energy) in order to avoid over-drawing from the well of Venusian pleasures.

If it is indeed novelty that fuels pleasure and romance, then perhaps there are no short-cuts other than abstaining from those pleasures, so that, when they are enjoyed, they truly are still novel.

Perhaps, in the realm of romance, solitude — an experience I would absolutely associate with Saturn — is a necessary counter-balancing force in order to maintain the novelty of the relationship. Perhaps the rich inner world mentioned by my own partner can only be maintained through regular periods of solitude. How can a rich inner world be cultivated by focusing externally only, on an other?

And, when it comes to all other worldly pleasures maintaining their own joys, it of course seems as if moderation is the only way to make them keep, well, feeling good.

It seems that, if we wish to keep Venus’s pleasures magical, there is no way around it: we must utilize, in our own lives, what can be considered the counter-balance to Uranus — Saturn — in order to maintain that novelty. We must have periods “without.”

We must have periods without our earthly pleasures, so that they remain such, and so that they do not become vices. We must have periods without our partner in order to preserve the magic that we have all (hopefully) felt before. Perhaps this is the problem with many marriages: insufficient time apart.

Ultimately, as always, it seems that balance is the way, in all facets of our lives. Through healthy moderation and temperance (Saturn), I believe magic (Uranus) can always be preserved in our pleasure, love, and romance (Venus).

Laying there,

With your head,

above me,

Is some sweet salve.

Each movement,

A proclamation of love.

As I lay,

Lay beneath,

I learn,

I don’t need to force strength.

The facade dissipates,

And I’m left only

with desperation.

Conciliatory bravado.

As I open my legs,

To you —

Yielding,

Receiving,

The curtain is pulled.

But what is revealed?

…

A womb ethereal.

Physical incarnation,

my hysterectomy.

Great tides,

Held back,

by artificial dams.

You penetrate me —

And penetrate those dams,

Letting truth erupt

like a geyser.

Love a youthful fountain,

Rose quartz dipped,

in a crystalline stream.

Washing the dirt, sweat, and grime,

of those who mined for it.

You wear me on your finger,

Wrapped around,

Finding a new home,

Away —

Away from the black lungs,

Away from her labor pains.

Where I might be donned,

By one who adores my pink sheen.

By a ray,

Like a golden Sun,

Letting my stone glow,

Ever brighter.

I reflect you…

Your strawberry Moon.

Your love,

a Doomsday Device.

splendid annihilation

Incurring this world’s end,

But not without

a new beginning.

You have set free,

elements lurking beneath.

Wonderful golems,

sprites,

and ancient harmonies,

That ooze from the underground —

Finally set free,

From the destruction,

of the layer concrete.

Keeping nature’s wonders,

condemned to Hades.

What is love

without destruction?

What is life

without death as its feed?

You bring death,

So new life may be born —

From the muck.

The mystical,

never disappeared.

It was merely sleeping:

In tombs of cement,

Buried

beneath city streets.

Anointed,

by the piss of the homeless,

By dried soda,

Caked in ash,

From cigarettes,

Dropped in passing.

So,

when you finally come,

To level Manhattan,

And let these,

New, bastardized elements,

Evaporate,

The underbelly

re-emerges.

Life,

Born of the dark goddess herself.

Natural.

Wondrous.

Terrifying.

“Through fire, nature is reborn whole.”

Triple Moon, goddess three,

Great cocoon, holding me —

Sacred Lune, reflects He,

Greatest boon, I love thee —

Silver spoon, I’m in need,

On your food, I do feed —

Crater runes, that I read,

I attune, whisperings —

She says soon, I’ll be free —

Life in truth, sanity —

Home anew, air to breathe,

“I’ll grant you, lasting peace” —

…

“Continue. Never cease.”

Some people equate words of criticism with the denial of love. Some people just want love, and their refusal to take criticism is merely because they haven’t the love necessary to handle it without being broken.

Dense and overgrown bushes, wild and alive, can handle garden shears being taken to refine and cut them back down. But some haven’t yet had the opportunity to blossom and flourish in such a way that they can handle being reduced, as they’ve been made small their whole life. Some plants are so desperate for water and light, already withering, that words of criticism seem a raised machete ready to cut them from their weakening central stem. Why wouldn’t they defend themselves?

In this case, defensive behaviors occurring after receiving criticism aren’t about the denial of accountability, but rather about ensuring that they are still worthy of love.

Some people just need love, and go about it in god-awful ways, each attempt at receiving it pushing those around them away evermore.

In this way, sometimes seeming “narcissism,” often equated with a megalomanic ego, is actually the product of a great, weeping smallness, and a desperate desire to grow larger. How can they handle being made to feel any smaller than they already feel?

People just need love — period. The cycle breakers of families are those who quest outward — and inward — in search of that holy grail. 

Go and bear water, Aquarius. Take your dowsing rods and find the water this drought-laden world so desperately needs. Bring it back, and let the thirsty drink.

But know you cannot find the aquifer without leaving home to do so.